Flight of the Nap-igator

Before I get to anything that happened today, I'd like to point out, for the record, that Kirby has yet to drive a single mile so far on this trip - partially because I want to drive and partially because he spends half the time sleeping and the other half playing with his phone.  In fact, that's what he does when we're out of the car as well.  And I'm afraid that if I let him drive, we're going to die a violent death either from him falling asleep at the wheel, or because he's trying to text and drive and play solitaire and eat oatmeal cookies at the same time.

But I will say that he does make quite a good nap-igator.  At least, he's good at keeping me awake.  Because even when he's sleeping he's snoring so loudly it would be impossible for me to fall asleep.

So today didn't go quite as planned.  We got up relatively early and got breakfast in the hotel.  The apple juice was much better than the apple juice in New Orleans, which was, I'm guessing, 90% water and 10% apple juice.  Unfortunately, the juice has been the only thing, so far, that has been better about San Antonio.  So if you're keeping score, New Orleans is in first and San Antonio second, with Memphis so far in last place that the only way I could see any city overtaking it is if "the big one" happens when we're in Los Angeles and much of the state plummets into the Pacific, and even then it would be close.

Anyway, after breakfast we headed to Schlitterbahn, which is supposed to be perhaps THE greatest waterpark on the planet.  Unfortunately, when we arrived, we found that only half of the park was open, and most of the slides we wanted to ride, and most of the slides that are, ahem, "Kirby-friendly," are located in the closed portion.  So, needless to say, we were not pleased.

It seemed to us that that sign contained a few too many letters, if you know what I mean.  But we got a slight discount on the price of admission so we decided to make the best of it.  We figured a water coaster would cheer us up, so we got in line for the Dragon's Revenge.  Realizing that our combined weight on the double tube would be 150 pounds over the maximum for 2 riders, we decided it would be best to go solo.  So we waited in line, and as we got to the slide, Kirby put his tube in the water and hopped in.  Suddenly I saw the lifeguard talking to him, with Kirby having distressed look on his face.  Suddenly, Kirby stood back up and walked out a side door.  He was told he couldn't ride because he was over the weight limit for a single rider.  So I went on the slide (which wasn't that good), and met him at the bottom.  He informed me that the attendant had told him that if he found a small child to ride with him that wouldn't put them over the two-person weight limit, that he could ride the ride.  So we spent the next hour looking for a lone child who had run astray of his parents.  "I think I saw your parents at the top of this slide!  No, wait!  There they are at the bottom.  We should probably slide down to get there as quickly as possible!"  But, alas, there were none.  So we rode a few more slides, ate an overpriced lunch, floated in a couple of lazy rivers, crossed some logs with a rope, saw a number of apparent bear-human hybrids, and received nasty sunburns.  Just before we were going to leave, we were in a shallow pool, and I was seeing how long I could hold my breath in pee.  I mean water.  Really, I mean both, because, come on.  After 64 seconds I pulled my head out of the water and gasped for a breath.  At that very instant, some douchebag kid splashed a large amount of water/pee mixture into my mouth, which I unintentionally swallowed.  We decided it was time to go, so we got our stuff out of our $7 locker and prepared to leave.

Just as we were walking out,  I saw the lone bright spot on an otherwise dreary afternoon:  HER:

BRAD'S HOOK-UP OF THE NIGHT.  Her name was Janet.  She was a cashier.  And for one beautiful moment, she was mine.  Mmmmmmm.

So after the waterpark, we decided to head downtown to check out the Riverwalk and get some dinner.  The Riverwalk was actually pretty cool, except for the fact that annoying tourist boats would pass by about every 30 seconds.

There was a pretty cool amphitheater on the Riverwalk with the stage located on the opposite side of the river.

Did you know that the 5 bells located on the back wall of the stage represent the 5 missions in San Antonio, with the big bell in the middle representing the Alamo?  I learned that from the 800 tour boat operators that drove past me in the 3 minutes I was in that location taking pictures.

While by the river we passed a number of restaurants, all of which were too expensive for hungry fat guys on a budget.  You know it's never a good sign when there aren't dollar signs in front of the prices of the items on the menu.  So we ended up going to the Hard Rock Cafe.  But we (especially Kirby) were struggling with our sunburn so much that we couldn't really enjoy our meals.

So we headed off to H-E-B to buy some aloe.  H-E-B is a regional Texas and Mexico grocery store chain which stands for Howard Edward Butt.  That's right. Butt.  The guy's name is Butt.  And not only did he not change it, he actually named his business after himself.  That's impressive.  So we came back and applied the aloe with sensual massage.  And that is where we currently stand.  Until next time.